Rising Trend: Older Adults Basking in the Joy of Companionship and Long
Term Love WITHOUT the Wedding Ring, May Water
-The number of unmarried adults over
50 living together jumped from 1.2 million in 2000 to 2.75 million in 2010
(Health and Retirement Study)
Those statistics are music to this single gal's ears. After a twenty year
marriage, I really enjoy my new lifestyle. So much so, that I am in no rush to
tie the knot again. I do want a loving (possibly live in) exclusive
relationship, but feel no burning need to make it legal. I’m not totally
opposed to marriage, I think it can be quite beautiful and fulfilling with the right
person, and if I were with the right person for an extended period and he
proposed, I can’t picture myself saying no. But I do know that you can be in a
long term exclusive relationship without rushing into marriage. I know many older
couples that are in these relationships. They are all happy.
When two people find each other at the right time
and find themselves on the same page, the results are quite remarkable. Like many older women, my
children are out of the house, and we no longer require a man to provide for our
children. Many of us earn enough to live the solo life. While not a home owner,
I make enough to take care of my basic needs. It’s just me so my expenses are
small. Other older women do own homes, or have assets they do not want to
legally share. Many men have been through costly divorces and are leery of
combining assets. Some have lost a spouse to death and may need years to fully
recover. That doesn’t mean they should be denied companionship, or made to feel
strange if they do not jump into a proposal when society thinks they should.. Every
situation is different, every couple is different, and therefore (in my
opinion) call for creative arrangements that meet both party’s needs.
Confusion can happen, but step aside if you
become overwhelmed. To me what I was seeking was not a complicated concept. Yet when I dipped
my toe in the dating pool, after almost three years of single hood, I was a bit
overwhelmed with all of the game playing, by both men and women. I believe a
lot of these games were bred from confusion. Many people did not know what they
really wanted which is understandable after divorce or a spousal death. It can
take years to get our bearings. The confused people did not trouble me. We are
all confused sometimes. I suggest taking regular breaks from the dating scene
in order to process each situation as a learning opportunity.
Playing, or otherwise manipulating anyone, even
if you think it’s somehow for their own good, is destructive behavior. What did trouble me were
the individuals that played unsuspecting single adults. I know, games in
courtship have been going on for centuries, but what I saw truly saddened me. I
came across a lot of women that really did want to get married, yet hid that agenda
until well into the relationship. The initial discussions consisted of taking
it slow, and not rushing into anything. Yet as soon as these guys had fallen
for these women, they were given ultimatums: marriage or bye-bye. Shame on
these ladies for telling a man he is non-committal (especially if he was
previously in a LTR), making him feel that there is something wrong with him,
or applying a myriad of other labels to him. It could be that he’s just not that into you (one of my new favorite
books!), or he truly doesn’t want to get married at that point in time, if ever.
There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with someone that doesn’t have the same
ideas as you. We’re all different. . Also, f you read the stats above, 2.75
million men and women agree with him!
Please keep strictly sexual urges away from
people that truly want long term relationships. A lot of men, and women, were just in it for the
sex (quite acceptable if one is honest about that up front), but lying to someone
and stating they wanted an exclusive relationship just to get laid is not the
right approach. For a person to spend months in a relationship (that they
believe is with a person in it for the long haul) and then being told that they’re
not ready for a commitment.is devastating. Maybe I’m naïve but can’t people be
honest about wanting just sex? When I was younger I experimented with no
strings attached sex. I know there are sites that cater to that crowd (for all
ages). I’m totally not judging anyone. Some older singles never let it all hang
out when they were younger, were in a sexless marriage, or finally came into
their sexuality once they became single.. You can pretty much find whatever you
desire with willing participants on sites specifically designed for sexual
exploration (I’ll give links at the end of this). So to recap, please do not
lead anyone on if sex is all you’re looking for. Many of us have been through
enough heartache.
If you cannot convey what you desire, you will
have a hard time receiving said desire. Another thing I discovered when I entered the
dating world were communication issues. I personally discovered that men misinterpreted
my free spirited approach to life. I don’t think I articulated what I was
looking for well enough. A lot of men translated my non-need for marriage into
something entirely different. A lot of them thought I was looking just for sex,
was indecisive, or that I had commitment issues. Communication skills are
something many people need to work on. Just because someone is at an advanced
age, do not assume they have acquired these skills. We need to not only be
aware of how we are expressing ourselves, but how our behaviors or words are
being received. People cannot read our minds. This new person is not your ex
who knew your moods. Sometimes I think it becomes even harder as we get older
to communicate clearly if we’ve been struggling with it our entire lives. Just
do the best you can alright?
The dating scene was so frustrating for me that I retreated. I had some
wins. I had some losses. I remember thinking that maybe I should just be alone
for the rest of my life. I know other older daters that felt the same way. That
thought was very depressing to me because I absolutely adore being in a healthy
relationship and have so much love to give. After a bout of disappointment, I
am now digesting what I have learned in order to apply myself in a more focused
manner in the future.
Okay, so after my brief dating whirlwind, I decided to do some research on
dating/relationships after forty. I was glad I did because it instilled a hope
that what I was looking for did indeed exist. I learned that we need to be VERY
clear about what I want, not settle for anyone less than we deserve, and keep
an open mind. Love can come to us from unexpected places, at unexpected times,
and often become arrangements that we maybe wouldn’t have considered in our
younger years. And I will say this, once
I do find the right partner, and I do mean partner, not a man that seeks to control
me or expect me to mother him, he will be rewarded with a highly sensual,
honest, organized, enthusiastic woman that knows not only the value of a good
relationship, but the value of herself. Oh, and a woman that loves to give a
DAMN good back rub. But of course my new partner will want to rub me too right?
:--)
Remember it’s Never, Ever, Ever Too Late. “Our body may be aging but
your capacity for romantic love remains intact.
An AARP study of men and women over 50 found that 70% of 50-64 year olds
and 63% of people 65+ report being currently in love. And of those over 65, 46%
reported being passionately in love. Don’t underestimate the intensity with
which we can both give and receive love later in life. The need to love and be
loved remains strong, if you’re willing to nurture it.” (Bobbi Palmer, Dating and
Relationship Coach for Women over 40) Often it is simply a matter of finding
the right person to nurture love with. If you feel rushed, manipulated, or in
any way ‘bad’ about your decision not to marry right away, you may want to take
a step back from the relationship. Our gut usually has the answer we seek, if
we are open to listen.
Okay so let’s take a peek at some short articles regarding
dating/relationships for older adults. Links for some of the most popular
dating and sexual exploration sites are listed as well. Enjoy life, keep your
lightness, and have fun! Love, May
Shacking up over 50: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/susie-and-otto-collins/dos-and-donts-when-youre-shacking-and-over-50
Are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
More American's over 50 live together: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-205_162-57492242/more-americans-over-50-live-together-but-dont-marry/
Nine reasons women over forty choose not to marry: http://www.more.com/relationships/marry-again-nine-reasons-divorced-women-choose-not
Why some guys do not want to marry: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/1996-why-dont-some-guys-want-remarry.html
Sex /hook up sites:
Where you can find May:
inspiring writeup.
ReplyDeletethank you...truly
bob
You're very welcome Captain. It's my pleasure. 8 )
Delete